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Dear Google Translator,
I’m writing to you in English and not in Romanian not because you wouldn’t understand what I want to tell you but because my friends, the programmers, who developed your algorithms, prefer to read their daily news in English. I didn’t tell you until now how much I appreciate the job you are doing. You have mastered already 97 distinct languages, being by far the most famous polyglot of all times. Not even ancient Babel compares to you. Also, I appreciate you being so obliging and available every time we are looking for you.

I also admire you because you have detected, at some point in time, that Moldavian and Romanian languages are same and you’ve dropped the false pretended language, giving shit this way to all those politicians claiming the opposite. I’m proud of you because of this. Not many “politically correct” entities, like you, have the courage to do this. For instance your Romanian fellow the Romanian DEX, is full of shit. You know what you should do? You should actually teach some lessons at the Romanian academy of literature. The academicians there are some extremely large guys, actually obese people, who ate too much bullshit while writing their theses. Therefore they can’t move anything, anymore in the field of linguistics and are striving to survive, collecting their large wages from the academy.

I really enjoy spending time with your relative, Ngram Viewer as well. What an individual he is. What a character. He managed to collect information from over 25 million books and more than 5 billion pages. That made him really smart but not as clever as you are. You are still holding the key to solve the mystery of language evolution and the Origin of Language. In 1866, the Linguistic Society of Paris went so far as to ban debates on the subject. The origin of language in the human species is a widely discussed topic today. Despite this, there is no consensus on ultimate origin or age because of the fat politicians ignoring you. But I know you have it in you. You can prove it with the help of some shrewd programmers. I hope you know that I’m not trying to flatter you. You know why I’m saying this, right? I actually beat the saddle so the horse understands. Those fat guys I was telling about might actually read what I’m writing to you and reconsider their position about the Romanian dictionary. You, Google Search and Ngram Viewer are capable of showing the whole world a new perspective of the origin of language. If those fat guys are going to lose their wages because of you, then maybe they’ll reconsider their work and start fixing some obvious gaps in the Romanian dictionary.

For instance you can easily show and tell those fat useless scientists about the number of homonyms that exists in the Romanian language but doesn’t exist in any other language. Romanian language contains over 400 such homonym words. This tells us something about the age of the language if you know how to interpret the different meanings of the same word. Also the Romanian language has lots of interjections pronounced and spelled exactly as the animals pronounce them. We all know that animals don’t lie but those beasts called linguistic scientists do. We find in the Romanian language over 900 monosyllabic, easy to pronounce words. This language simplicity forges over time when people speak their language for over 5000 years without writing it down on paper. They have simply refined it and keep it simple, so it looks like a brilliant diamond today. If you don’t mind I’m going to show you a Romanian poem depicting its own language.

Romanian church in Jerusalem - Mihai Eminescu

Romanian church in Jerusalem – Mihai Eminescu

A treasure is our language that surges
From deep shadows of the past,
Chain of precious stones that scattered
All over our ancient land.

A burning flame is our language
Amidst a people waking
From a deathly sleep, no warning,
Like the brave man of the stories.

Our language is made of songs
From our soul’s deepest desires,
Flash of lighting striking swiftly
Through dark clouds and blue horizons.

Our language is the tongue of bread
When the winds blow through the summer,
Uttered by our forefathers who
Blessed the country through their labour.

Our language is the greenest leaf
Of the everlasting forests,
Gentle river Dniester’s ripples
Hiding starlight bright and shining.

Utter no more bitter cries now
That your language is too poor,
And you will see with what abundance
Flow the words of our precious country.

Our language is full of legends,
Stories from the days of old.
Reading one and then another
Makes one shudder, tremble and moan.

Our language is singled out
To lift praises up to heaven,
Uttering with constant fervour
Truths that never cease to beckon.

Our language is more than holy,
Words of homilies of old
Wept and sung perpetually
In the homesteads of our folks.

Resurrect now this our language,
Rusted through the years that have passed,
Wipe off filth and mould that gathered
When forgotten through our land.

Gather now the sparkling stone,
Catching bright light from the sun.
You will see the endless flooding
Of new words that overflow.

A treasure will spring up swiftly
From deep shadows of the past,
Chain of precious stones that scattered
All over our ancient land.

In the end I would like to thank you again Google for everything you already did for us. It’s not going to take long until people will realize how many lies have been told about their language, history and customs. You helped us making huge leaps, coming from the medieval ages to the times of the modern era. Now space is the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Romanian DEX. Its five-thousand years mission: to explore strange new words, to seek out new forms and new civilizations, to boldly go where no language has gone before.
Cheers,
Yours Truly, Dan

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